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Sunday, 26 April 2015

The Big Sleep

I'm sure you're all gagging to know how my diet's coming along. In a word...Brilliantly. In a phrase....Constantly Hungry.

As I mentioned in my last post; the reason why I've taken on the persona of Billy Bunter is because I mainlined on biscuits,nuts and fudge. Over the last two weeks I have been biscuit and fudge free. And it's working - now I can see my ten little toes. In no time I hope that one eyed dick will hove into view.

However, I am constantly hungry. This is not a problem during the day as I can find plenty to do to distract myself. Self-flagellation, I find, takes one's mind off starvation; as does drawing teeth, which has the added advantage of making it difficult to chew. I had thought of wiring my jaws together, but that was, I reckoned, a step too far.

It's at night that the gnawing ache is at its worst. I lie in bed, in freshly pressed jim-jams and instead of counting sheep I count calories - the ones I'm missing. Images of doughnuts filled with yummy jams and custard, soaked in icing sugar float tantalisingly at the end of the bed. Herds of jammy dodgers and Mars Bars, stampede past the bedroom window, bellowing, inviting me to join their orgy of nightly noshing.

Sleep has deserted me. Morpheus has been handed  his P45 and  replaced by a bunch of Centaurs, determined to test out our local authority's much lauded quick response noisy neighbours Task Force. I toss, I turn, I toss again. I sigh, I sit up, I look at my watch - still five hours to breakfast and a boiled egg and one slice of bread.

Melvyn Bragg came to my rescue. In desperation I downloaded loads of "In Our Time" podcasts. With head phones on within a minute or so of Mel saying "Thank you downloading this "In Our Time" podcast", I'm off. Melvyn and his guests may be nattering away about Aristotle's Poetics or the Age of the Universe - I hear none of it. Mind you, I do have the weirdest of dreams.

I had thought of writing to the BBC to congratulate them on this wonder treatment for night starvation: but thought better of it. After all they do put in a lot of effort in making the programmes and Mel might be upset to learn that I use them to send me off to nod land.

I find Tony Blackburn has the same effect as does Kisty Young and Desert Island Discs. I tried it with the News Quiz but that was a total disaster, since it's quite disconcerting for your sleeping partner being woken up out of a dream about Aidan Turner and riding breeches, by a guffawing hubby.

No I'll stick to the soporific Melvyn as my night cap. 


MrandMrs said...

We thought Tony Blackburn had been locked up for his past demeanours along with other former DJs from that dissolute time?

Barry Coidan said...

Dear Mr&Mrs, no, he died before he could be brought to trial.

Bojo said...

There are more fun ways for burning calories off....

Barry Coidan said...

Dear Bojo, apparently it's not my lack of exercise that's the problem. It's the sweets, biscuits and all things jammy that has turned me into a fat berg.

Steve said...

You need a good fibre bar as a nightcap. And it'll keep you regular in the morning too.

Jack the Hat said...


Barry Coidan said...

Dear Steve, such sensible advice as usual

Dear JtH...nice