Thursday, 25 December 2014
Grandma got run over by a Reindeer
I just had to say "A Very Merry Christmas" to the multitudinous crowd of my followers. I know they'll feel much better for it.
As a cultural icon, a person of some substance, I have a responsibility to my fans, my acolytes and the wider commonwealth. People look up to me. They look to me to set the standard by which they calibrate their own moral compass. It is a role I do not take on lightly.
So....my message to you all where ever you may be, on land, sea or air. Whether you are surrounded by friends and family or surrounded by sharks. Whether the earth moved for you today, or that nagging crack in the back bedroom turned out to be a sink hole....look on the bright side of life.
As someone once said tomorrow's the first day of your new life...or not. That overhanging branch you knew was rotten but were too mean to cut down. Well it was quick. The nagging pain in your head which you calmed over dosing on paracetamol...didn't you read the latest research? And why you should have tangled with your neighbour who you knew was rather unstable I'll never know. Well, your funeral was very impressive.
It all goes to show that you should live for the moment, and put a little aside for a rainy day if you can. But with current annuity rates: boy is it worth the effort? If you've never smoked I'd start now - 60 a day man. That way you may get a pension worth living for - if rather shortened.
At this time of year, when one looks back on the past twelve month is it with pride, disappointment or "What last 12 months?" Do you look at your partner and think, "How many years?" Do you pinch yourself and make a note to see the doctor 'cause that loss of sensation isn't right...especially there. Do you wonder whether John Major was right all along?
There's so much to be grateful for (to end a sentence with a preposition and not feel the teacher's hand across one's butt). The drop in the price of Brent Crude: the risk of deflation in the Euro Zone. Jeremy Clarkson and Simon Cowell being eaten alive by an anaconda - simultaneously.
There's so much to look forward to. The Lib Dems becoming extinct, Labour becoming an endangered species; the Tories being outlawed. Then there's UKIP: helping to turn parts of this lovely country into rational free zones.
No, during the endless darkness of our deep, deep, sodden winter: a light burns. And bloody expensive it is too. When will someone sort out energy pricing?
I wish you all a cheery Christmas and may 2015 not turn out to be the bummer we fear it to be.