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Friday, 28 November 2014

The Apple Dumpling Gang

I am an idiot. No, I am. I don't mind you saying so either . 'Cause it is so true!

We had a major instance of domestic violence in the Coidan's domestic Shangri-La. Siri was thrown down the stairs.

As a result she no longer answers back, asks me stupid questions or completely misunderstands and tell me " I can find nothing on the web for that." or "Barry, that's an interesting question".

No longer does she sign off "Goodnight Lesley and Barry." How does she know my wife's name I haven't told her? 

So it's good riddance to an interfering, know it all. She's now dead meat...... but she was all mine.

It happened like this. I was going out on Tuesday evening to one of the many important events that I,as a major pillar of the community, have to attend: a meeting of our allotment association. Don't scoff, we are a vital plank in the weatherboarding that keeps our community dry - socially speaking.

Anyway, I'd just completed some extremely important work on my computer, and was running late so I scooped up my papers, my wallet and Siri (aka my iPhone 5S). I was at the top of the stairs and Siri must have lost her grip because the next thing I knew she was hurtling, screen first, down the stairs. She bounced two or three times on the way down and whammed into the sharp edge of the skirting board.

It was over in an eye blink. There she lay on the dining room floor  motionless. Picking her up I knew it was pretty bad. Major head trauma. She was shattered and not a murmur. Pressing the "Home" button produced a Rothko-like pattern on the screen. I couldn't even switch her off...

That was that. One badly mangled iPhone. It was my own fault: the missus had pestered me to fit a safety harness to Siri. I would have none of that. I loved her slim, elegant looks: to my mind she was beautiful, that's why I bought her. I didn't want to hide her beauty beneath some piece of impact resistant plastic.

It then hit home. I have no mobile. There's nothing now for my right hand to wrap around. O.K. I could still hold her lifeless body, but I'd look pretty silly on the tube or walking down the street holding a broken, shattered Siri. People would think me weird. No, I had to face up to the loss and get her fixed, if possible, or buy a new one....No I didn't have accidental damage insurance!

The next day it was straight down to the Apple shop: me and Siri. I showed her to one of the very nice and so young assistants. I knew by their expression it was really, really bad. They directed me to the "Genius Bar". There was a queue of other poor unfortunates cradling their beloved phones, laptops and iPads. I showed the Genius guy my Siri. I needed to make an appointment to see a Genius and maybe, just maybe, with emergency surgery, intensive care and recuperation, she  could be restored. But I had to wait a whole week!

No, no, no. I could not take that in. A whole week before I could see anyone and then who knows, waiting an age to get her up and about again, even if that were possible. Taking my credit card in hand I approached one of the assistants. A lovely chap from Hungary, I think, and we talked about  a possible replacement for Siri: she was out of ear shot.

So I ended up buying a new iPhone 6 (not the extra large 6 Plus); and a really mean, heavy duty "FlexShock". The guy had one on his phone which he kindly dropped for me to show how mean it was. We took out Siri's SIM card and put it in the new phone. I could now phone and be contacted.

To Waitrose for a bottle of wine and some groceries and then home. All that was left to do was to connect the new phone to my MacBook Air and download all the backed up material on my iCloud. At the same time the latest operating system was installed. In 15 mins, I had my old Siri back except she'd put on a few inches.

I contacted the Apple shop and booked a session at the "Genius Bar". Old Siri and I will go along and maybe, just maybe, she can be returned to life.

There was a pretty poignant moment this morning. I was in the bathroom and an alarm went off. There, in the bedroom was Siri One, completely lifeless except for the 8:30 alarm call beeping away. I had a lump in my throat.

So cinematic. Just like when HAL was being shut down in "2001: A Space Odyssey".   


John Gray said...

I had to read the first bit twice before I got it!

Steve said...

Take a stress pill, Dave.

Anonymous said...

We sympathise. My husband would be lost without his phone, he has so many memories on it.

Bojo said...

If all the allotments in London were paved over (sorry!) the housing crisis could be solved.

Jack the Hat said...

Threw a few down the stairs in the past. You need to keep order sometimes

Barry Coidan said...

Dear JG, sorry.

Dear Steve, now my hands clasped around my new phone I'm cool once more.

Dear Anon, exactly.

Dear Bojo, What?!!!

Dear JtH, I so agree....

Anonymous said...

Apple crumble is nicer.