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Saturday, 11 February 2012


Isn't the prospect of some right royal blood being shed exciting. Just the thought of a sinister hand cleaved from the royal arm or a startled head spinning in the air severed from the royal personage sends a shiver of excitement down my whole little finger.

According to Google the last English king to die in battle was Richard III at Flodden in 1485. The last royal to appear on the field of battle was George II at the Battle of Minden in 1759. So it's about time that we had another lead the charge or whatever kings do.

The thing is: Prince William is, I understand, on  a tour of duty in the Falklands - and it's  not a royal tour of HRH's Possessions and Dependencies. According to the Palace and William Hague, our Foreign Secretary and honorary member of the Crankies, Will's there in a helicopter doing Health and Safety or what passes as 'Elf and Safety in the services - military search and rescue.

The Argies - what a joy it is to be able to use that expression without embarrassment once again - reckon that's a lie. Prince Wii is there to lead a surprise raid on Club Atlético Boca Juniors, snatching their manager  Julio César Falcioni, and flying him to the FA's HQ in London where he'll be forced to sign a 10 year deal as England's new manager.

The British government have issued a strenuous denial, the FA have said sweet FA, but my sources close to a herd of sheep on Goose Green say that the balloon will go up within the next twenty four hours. He wasn't able to tell me when the raid was to take place.

Frankly I don't give our boys much chance. I also understand the Tevez will be in Argentina all fired up and ready to sulk, and if our brave lads fight half as well as the English team did the last time we played the Argies - well it'll be "No Likely, No Litey, Lites Out"

This is why I was ruminating on blood on the field of battle and a royal corpse.

It's the women's fault of course. Thirty years ago this year, when we were under the heel of Hair Thatcher, our brave boys sailed half way round the world, before they got directions, to defeat the perfidious (all enemies of the English are that) Argies.

Now who's head cow girl on the Pampas, rounding up the tins of corned beef. It's El Presidente Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. I have to say she quite a looker, but clearly deadly. It's rumoured that she was mistaken for Miss South America 1991 - it's true just look at the photo above!

She's squaring up for a fight and no mistake. Apparently she thinks that the Malvinas belong to the Argentians. I say let them have them as long as they lay off the Falklands. Anyway it'll all be worthwhile if we have a football manager who might know what to do with our load of overpaid primadonnas.

Talking of which I hear Andrew Lloyd Webber has reconciled with Tim Rice and at this very moment they're penning a new comic opera "The Prince and the President".


Evita said...

Donna cry for me Walshamstow!

Steve said...

I believe William's visit to the Falklands had been planned and announced about 18 months ago... hardly a surprise raid.

My eldest is distraught at the thought of conflict though. Apparently Total Wipe-out is filmed in Argentina.

Marginalia said...

Dear Eva, we won't.

Dear Steve, ah ha, you fell into MI5's trap - believing their disinformation. Oh course it was announced 18 months ago - to give it the appearance of legitimacy.

Lovely, Richard Hammond might get his comeuppance.

Anonymous said...

Lets do a swap deal - Prince William for Carlos Tevez

Ian Lidster said...

Yep, Cristina's a babe all right. Meanwhile, there is precedent for Will being there with his uncle Randy Andy. But I too like the idea of Royals going off to battle.

Marginalia said...

Dear Anon, l'm in negotiations. Will get back to you.

Dear Ian, I do think the royals should earn their crust. Swanning round the world, opening this or that hyper-market, is all well and good but there's nothing like a right royal dust up.