Saturday, 11 February 2012
According to Google the last English king to die in battle was Richard III at Flodden in 1485. The last royal to appear on the field of battle was George II at the Battle of Minden in 1759. So it's about time that we had another lead the charge or whatever kings do.
The thing is: Prince William is, I understand, on a tour of duty in the Falklands - and it's not a royal tour of HRH's Possessions and Dependencies. According to the Palace and William Hague, our Foreign Secretary and honorary member of the Crankies, Will's there in a helicopter doing Health and Safety or what passes as 'Elf and Safety in the services - military search and rescue.
The Argies - what a joy it is to be able to use that expression without embarrassment once again - reckon that's a lie. Prince Wii is there to lead a surprise raid on Club Atlético Boca Juniors, snatching their manager Julio César Falcioni, and flying him to the FA's HQ in London where he'll be forced to sign a 10 year deal as England's new manager.
The British government have issued a strenuous denial, the FA have said sweet FA, but my sources close to a herd of sheep on Goose Green say that the balloon will go up within the next twenty four hours. He wasn't able to tell me when the raid was to take place.
Frankly I don't give our boys much chance. I also understand the Tevez will be in Argentina all fired up and ready to sulk, and if our brave lads fight half as well as the English team did the last time we played the Argies - well it'll be "No Likely, No Litey, Lites Out"
This is why I was ruminating on blood on the field of battle and a royal corpse.
It's the women's fault of course. Thirty years ago this year, when we were under the heel of Hair Thatcher, our brave boys sailed half way round the world, before they got directions, to defeat the perfidious (all enemies of the English are that) Argies.
Now who's head cow girl on the Pampas, rounding up the tins of corned beef. It's El Presidente Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. I have to say she quite a looker, but clearly deadly. It's rumoured that she was mistaken for Miss South America 1991 - it's true just look at the photo above!
She's squaring up for a fight and no mistake. Apparently she thinks that the Malvinas belong to the Argentians. I say let them have them as long as they lay off the Falklands. Anyway it'll all be worthwhile if we have a football manager who might know what to do with our load of overpaid primadonnas.
Talking of which I hear Andrew Lloyd Webber has reconciled with Tim Rice and at this very moment they're penning a new comic opera "The Prince and the President".