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Tuesday, 10 January 2012

Wall Street

Well that's done and dusted for another year. The business tax return, along with that of my wife's and her business partner have been safely deposited in HMR&C's in-box somewhere in Stockport on Tees.

Granted it's been all a bit close to the wire, since it's only 3 weeks to the end of January when missing the deadline can lead to a fine of £100. However with a business empire as extensive and as complex as my wife's getting all the financial data to complete the tax return takes time.

We're not registered overseas with tax evading bank accounts in places only crooks holiday in. No we're British through and through and are proud to pay our taxes to better the public purse. I am proud to ensure that every penny the taxman deserves I personally make certain he gets.

This diligence on my part explains to some extent the delay in getting the tax issue sorted. At the last minute one of our major offices in Streatham, South London had a late adjustment to make. I had noticed that there had been a major cash depletion to the figures presented and this, along with queries about our holdings in a number of Blue Chip companies, meant considerable overtime by the accounting staff in Streatham's leafy streets. Eventually the revised figures came in.

No, it wasn't a misprint. The interest on the building society had dropped over 90% from £200 to £6 and the divi on the BG shares was £30.

I have to admit I felt rather embarrassed sending in the tax returns. You see for a third year running our conglomerate had made a trading loss. However, I am confident we will trade ourselves into profit. This year we lost just over £1,500, much better than last year, but still a poor show. So I added a little note to our tax returns.

"Dear Mr Taxman, we're trying, honest we are. We know that you, and that nice Mr Osborne, depend on little old us and the hundreds of thousands like us to earn the money to pay the taxes to get you and all those nasty banks out of a massive hole. We understand your frustration that once again the enterprise that proudly bears the name "Couture Beading and Embellishment" is contributing zilch to your rather depleted coffers.

However, dear Mr Taxman, rest assured that we are doing all we can to bring home the bacon. The missus and her little army of dobbies are straining night and day to drum up business, convert leads into solid orders and produce a product we can all be proud to say is "Made in Britain".

We can all take inspiration from that small trader, par excellence,  "Del Boy" Trotter. In his memorable phrase that re-awakened enterprise and the "can do spirit" in Mrs Thatcher's Britain  - "He who dares wins, Rodders".

P.S, If you could see your way to expediting the tax refund we'd be most grateful as we've a number of  bills coming up in next few months.

Yours, a faithful taxpayer

Mr Muggins"

I thought he'd like that.

9 comments:

Steve said...

Tax men do not have a senses of humour though they do evilly laugh when issuing tax demands.

The Sagittarian said...

Tax schmax....

The Sagittarian said...

and by the way, how's your Ginja? And does he ever stare at the door, clearly wanting out...takes AGES to wander out the door that you have stood there holding open for at least 5 minutes while he makes up his mind, and then when you have the audacity to close the door behind him does he give you a baleful "what didja do that for?" look?

Anonymous said...

Despite the trading loss, no doubt the CEO has been awarded a whopping pay rise.

Marginalia said...

Dear Steve, they cry every time they see our tax returns. We do our best to give their life meaning.

Dear Sag,

Ginja is back to his old self minus that lovely tail of his. He doesn't bother to get us to open the door. He does it himself.

Marginalia said...

Dear Anon, your socialist slip is showing. But how right you are, the remuneration committee reviewed the compensation package and awarded an eyewatering increase.

However, a massively humongous increase on a vanishingly small amount is very little indeed. You can sleep easy my friend - we haven't yet joined the 0.1%

Anonymous said...

But it's the principle that matters. I need to talk to Ed about this....

The Sagittarian said...

Ah yes, but does he close it behind him? (And I'm not talking cat doors here...)

Marginalia said...

Dear Sag, Get real!

We're talking about a cat after all.