Heaven Can Wait

I'm sure someone's already set one up. If not maybe I will: a graveyard for dead blogs/bloggers. I think there's already a cemetery for passed over Facebookers and  no doubt there's a mausoleum for Tweeters once they've fallen off their perches.

I reckon this is going to be a huge growth area (or plot). Look at it like this; there are millions of silver surfers and as the post war Baby Boom turns into the Great Die Off hundreds, if not thousands of blogs etc will go dark every single day.

How to turn this into a money making enterprise. It shouldn't be too much of a problem; there's already a successful business model in place. Funeral Directors and the pre-paid Funeral Plan.

This is how it would work. You'd sign up to me and once you're with "Stayin' Alive" - your on-line funeral plot - we'll take care of everything.

We'll have this unique and extremely powerful search engine "The Grim Reaper" ("TGR") which will continuously patrol the Internet. If it spots a website, blog, twitter account or Facebook page of someone who's signed up for this unique janitorial service that is suspiciously quiet or inactive, "TGR" will send an e-mail to the account holder asking, in a very diplomatic manner, whether they are still of this world. Clearly, if the account holder replies that they're hale and hearty, "TGR" will move on but not before noting the person's date of birth and scheduling a return visit after an appropriate gap.

Should there be no reply, the highly sophisticated software incorporated in the "TGR" will swing into action; turning your dark site into a thing of beauty and a fitting memorial for a really special person.

As a client you will be able to choose from a vast range of scenarios. There's our "Celestial Plains" theme which will feature a young couple hand in hand running into the arms of white bearded old man with a great light shining behind him. Then there's the "Vampire" range; a comprehensive assortment of "living dead" motifs for those who are in two minds about dying.

For the unconventional there's "Satan's Sanatorium", featuring a bevy of demonic beauties engaged in suitably devilish practises. However, we will not forget those with limited funds and our budget offering, the ever popular "Black Box". Your passed on website etc, will feature a designer black coffin with pearl handles and a selection of celebrity mourners ( actually C listers, but at the price we charge what can you expect?).

Of course, should you have multiple sites we'll provide special deals. There'll be one click entry into the "Cloud Cemetery" where all these dark sites will be housed. There is a single subscription, but with the facility to up grade should you or your survivors so wish. Unfortunately there can be no refund.

Finally, we offer a corporate service for companies large or small which go bankrupt, are taken over or just cease trading.

There's only one problem I've hit upon. Alzheimer's. There's a real risk that we ageing baby boomers will forget our passwords to our various sites and be permanently locked out of them forever. I dread to think what might happen should the "TGR" come upon these sites.

I'm still working on that.


Anonymous said…
So since when did you start working for Help the Aged?

I suppose though we would all be better off if we had a male Thora Hird figure for the 21st century. Kindly, reassuring, with grey hair but plugged into cyber space.

Step forward Marginalia!
I enjoy getting a "Today is ____'s birthday!" on Facebook. And then realizing that person is actually dead. Deceased. No more. It's a little creepy.
Munster Munch said…
OK Edgar Allen Poe of the worldwide web. A virtual cemetery awaits us. Are the inscriptions on the gravestones limited to a certain number of characters?
Marginalia said…
Dear Anon, I've always liked our Thora.

Me, Thora, Alan Bennett, Sunday tea and eccles cakes - Heaven!

Dear ETW, It's a twist on the Bring Forward system I have for people I dislike.

Dear MM, no, depends on the model you buy. Although the special Twitter one is restricted to 140 characters.

But then for most people on Twitter that will be more than enough.
Steve said…
I like this idea. A cenotaph for fallen bloggers rather appeals.
Marginalia said…
Dear Steve, we're working on a special one for you. I thought an annual march past might be a worthwhile add on.
RubberCrutch said…
Well, sir, it seems as if you're a prophet in your own time. I actually heard a piece on the radio about a service that will send out a posthumous tweet for you but google won't help me find it. However, there's this from The New York Times:


I need me a "death crew." Your grim reaper service will certainly become a killer app---find yourself a young business partner who understands Web 2.0 stuff and incorporate.
RubberCrutch said…
And more:

Marginalia said…
Dear RubberCrutch, I've always thought I had hidden talents. I've put in a call to Steve Jobs.
Monster Munch said…
You might also speak to Vincent Price while you are at it!
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