Tuesday, 23 August 2011
Do you outwardly groan when some dumb actor pats her pert arse as she heaves her trolley out of Asda? Or when that, oh so, irritating voice chirps "Every little helps" in the Tesco ad, do you punch yourself in the face to check you're alive?
Conversations in the street: "Went to Sainsbury's yesterday - filled the car with petrol, 5p off a litre. Saved £5. "What a result! Mind you first we had to spend 80 quid in store."
The unasked question is "If this wonderous offer was not available how much would you have spent and how much petrol would you have bought otherwise?"
Conversation in the food aisle: "Brilliant, bought three of those thingamabobs. Three for the price of two. What a bargain!" "And how many thingamabobs will you use in a year?"
And all the while, as our beloved grocers ply us with unbeatable offers, the prices of every day essentials go up...and up...and up. Why?
Partly because the UK farmer has at last found other markets and can squeeze a bit more out of the supermarket overlords but mainly because we expect things to be more expensive, our helpful grocers oblige by putting up the prices.
And the double faced behemoths of retail have the nerve to pat us on the arse and say "There, there run along, we know how hard you're finding it. That's why we have these astounding offers."
Well for us it's silent running from now on. We won't fire up the car to do the mega shop at Sainsbury's, buying much more than we need. How many kitchen cleaners can one use at one time? We'll replace when we run out, from the local shops. It called just in time supply - Tesco, Sainsbury's they all use it - but somehow they don't like us to.
And to the argument that at local shops things are more expensive. How do you know if you don't shop there? It isn't always so, and even when it is over a month you're likely to spend less than on the weekly burn and slash forays to the "out of town" money pits.
Local shops might not close, high streets might cease to look like cheap film sets from Hammer Horror, and you might find you meet a neighbour.
.....And you won't have to look at Jamie Oliver's cheeky chappiness down every friggin' aisle.