Little Ole Wine Drinker Me
What is it about the younger generation? Are they so pissed off with their parents and the "Generation of Love" - that they want to make our twilight years so bloody miserable?
OK, we spent your inheritance, got you into debt, sold you the myth that sex was guilt and tax free. OK, we spent more time prettying our Edwardian houses in Muswell Hill than with you and sent you off to boarding school. OK, your father's an arse hole and your mother's a whore, but we did it all for you, darlings. Honest, that's what the ads told us.
Now you want pay back. I hear you, you ungrateful children of Sesame Street . Some wankers come up with a theory that we old timers should cut down on the booze. ..B..g..u//egger thast for a barce of ponies.
Today Mike Jagger is told that since he's over 65 he should only drink a third of a glass of wine a day, 'cause he might get Alzeimer's. Eric Burdon will put down his glass of Newcastle Brown and instead sip a cup of green tea. And I'll refuse that glass of Chateau Lafite 1982 'cause it'll put me over the age limit.
As that very lovely lady from Saga so eloquently stated on Radio Four this morning, at our age all we've got left is our food and drink. Take that away and we're dead. (Not sure that strictly true: an aged mate of mine seems to be re-enacting "Caligula", bad close ups and all).
No, this persecution of your defenceless, incontinent and, possibly, bankrupt parents must stop. We may not have to work 'til we're 68 but we had the trauma of Harold Wilson, Ted Heath, Margaret Thatcher, The Bay City Rollers, Adam and the Ants and.. Dana. We've paid our due to society.
Why not let us rot our brains as we listen yet again to "Dancing Queen", "Memories", and Concrete And Clay". What harm is there in another bottle of Australian Red, bought on special offer at Lidl?
Do you have to take away the last vestiges of humanity, making us face up to the reality of long queues at the doctor's, post office and undertakers. Let us soften the pain with that last snifter before bed, that "one for the road" as we stagger out of the pub - alone. That "Er's to you Jimmy" as we lick the glass and pee in our pants.
I appeal to your humanity, you youngsters, you. Let us have our bottle and we'll not disappoint.
Remember all the best lines are said by drunks.
"I don't think I've ever drunk champagne before breakfast before. With breakfast on several occasions, but never before before".