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Thursday, 24 June 2010

Prince Charming

"Gosh it's hot down here", I was talking to  Mephistopheles as he was stoking the furnaces and whipping his junior devils into shape. As we were talking a fresh load of damned souls arrived having been booed off Simon Cowell's XXX Factor. "The best little recruit in ages", mused Old Nick, "although, of course, he had plenty of practice up top, selling his soul to ITV2."

At that moment a rather fat, flabby figure appeared dressed in a sequinned white outfit that pulled in and pushed out in all the most embarrassing places.  "Elvis, what are you doing here; shouldn't you be in the other place?" I cried. With a demonic pelvic thrust, the king of Rock and Roll, snarled and replied "Ah,haha I'm all shock up, but it was the devil in disguise that was my downfall. Now I'm caught in a trap and those suspicious minds won't let me out of the Ghetto that is this Hell." "But what could you have done to have brought to this pretty pass", I asked "You are almost as revered as John Lennon"

I realised immediately I mentioned the Mop head's name that I'd said the wrong thing. "Don't talk to me about that Paperback writer; he's just a Daytripper:  a one way lover and I found out, yes I found out.. He and his Lady Madonna came down here my sweet lording it over us all. He was going on about transcendental meditation or some such nonsense, he and that George Harrison, along with Yoko Ono. God, pardon my swearing  your unholiness, that sixties shit makes me sick. Free love, sex and drugs and rock and roll. As if they'd invented it. They don't know they were born. Me and Jordanaires were goin' hell for leather before the Beatles and the Grateful Dead were out of short trousers."

I could see I'd inadvertantly hit on a sore subject. Luckily, as he was speaking the great arsehole of Hell opened and dumped right into our presence Vince Cable, Danny Alexander and Nick Clegg ( The Father, Son and Holy Ghost of British politics). They looked pretty pissed off I can tell you!

Before they knew what had happened they were  clapped in Adamantine Chains and penal Fire. "That's for denying that an increase in VAT to 20% is not regressive", and as he said it the Devil Incarnate chopped off old Nick Clegg's nose. "Why did you do that?" I asked. "He clearly doesn't need it", replied the Devil, "Otherwise he'd have smelt a rat before joining the Coalition." 

At 6 foot 6 inches Danny Alexander found it rather cramped in the lower bowels of hell. Cutting both his legs off gave him some extra "leg room". "You've cut his legs off, why?" I shouted over the howls of anguish. "What has he done to deserve that?" "Oh,I'm helping him in his job as Chief Secretary to the Treasury. During the Spending Round Departments will be crying "bleeding stumps" to show how a cut of 25% on their departmental budget will crucify them. He'll be able to po po all that by showing his legs cut off at the knees." I have to say I thought he made a valid point.

By this time I was fearful what might happen to Vince Cable. What frightful torture would he have to bear? Of what heinous sin will he be found guilty?  To my surprise, he was handed a large collection of books. "What are they?" I interrogated the Evil One. "Oh, you'll like this" old Beelzebub. "It's all the Treasury Budget documents published during Gordon Brown's time as Chancellor. Young Cable here has to go through them all identifying all half truths and evasions concocted by the last Labour Government." Well, I think Vince Cable must have faded straight away, such was the shock to his system. "But that'll take an eternity." he squeaked. The Devil just roared a fiendish laugh and carried on splitting open the innards of half a dozen Catholic Bishops. 

As I joined in the karaoke with Elvis and Eddie Cochrane, I thought to myself "Who'd want to be a politician? It's a hell of a job." 

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