I almost cut my hair

I didn't, but my wife did. 

Don't know about you but my hair grows fast and it is thin. Not in a hairs per square cm way ,but it's fine - something to do with aging. 

When I was in my twenties, my hair was strong, vibrant and full of vigour - which meant I could grow it long  - Credence Clearwater Revival long - and it looked good. It had a youthfully, hippy bounce that girls loved and I just flicked my hair as I looked out of my Easy Rider sunglasses. This was the mid 70's but I was always out of time,  out of fashion.  

With all the pleasures of life out of reach because of lockdown - including the monthly visit to my hairdressers - my hair just sits on my head and challenges me. When I get up and look in the mirror in the morning - something I've slowly been acclimatised to over 7 decades - I see the results of a night's sleep. My hair is everywhere, in the air, stuck to my ears, down my checks and parted oh so perfectly in a reverse duck's arse at the back.

I will wash it hoping that a truly expensive shampoo followed by an even  more expensive conditioner will somehow bring about a transformation. If only by magic I had the mop of Tony Orlando or Cher. But no it just hangs there on my head looking like a haystack in the wild fields of Oklahoma - they still have fields there and some are wild?

Anyway I had enough of friends? calling me Haystack Bal and people crossing onto the other side of the road. I was going to do something about it and get a haircutting tool . Except there were none - every website I tried was sold out - what had been the loo roll famine  had now virus like spread to hair clippers. I'd go on Twitter and tag "hairclippers" and be deluged by smart alecs who'd bought the last Gucci embossed clippers, or purchased the "00" Pink had used on her last video. 

So still I had my white floppy untidy head of hair.  Last Friday in an act of desperation I googled hair cutting kits and there it was on sale from Amazon the Geetian QuickCut hair Clipper all the way from Guangzhuo Sefa Feilipu Electronics Co. Lt, Zhuchun Road, Tianhe District, Guangzhou. It was cheap and would arrive the next day if I signed up to a 30 day trial of Amazon Prime.

Doing so I entered a rabbit hole. I can see why this guy Bozo or whatever is his name is the wealthiest man in the known universe. Sign up to Prime and the world is yours. But I was guaranteed next day delivery even though my QuickCut was from Guangzhou - how does Bonzo do it? 

As promised it arrived the next day and in its box it stayed for another day. When I ordered it I don't think I actually looked at it - all I knew and wanted to know  was that it cut hair. It looks like an overgrown cockroach, with teeth. I took it out of its case and it was accompanied by a bag to keep it quiet at night and nine sets of false teeth - discretely called guide combs. I pressed the button on top of its head and it started to vibrate and saw. I rapidly switched it off and put it back in its box.

The next morning a hair disaster and my wife who had seen the little beastie took my hand and said "Are you brave enough?" By now I was tearing my hair out and so I laid out the nine sets of teeth, sat in the computer chair and my wife, aka Sweeney Todd, began to cut my hair. 

The rest is short in the telling. Initially she was very reluctant to do anything but minor clips here and there but as time wore on and my hair disappeared she experimented with nearly all nine teeth. It took almost an hour and at the rate my hairdresser charges I'd be down by a couple of hundred quid. The thing is she did a fabulous job.

Literally a weight was lifted off my shoulders, I felt released.

A lesson  to our Government - instead of corona virus testing points around the country get the army to provide haircuts. It'll boost morale no end.

 P.S. It goes without saying I look nothing like the guy in the photo