Are Friends Electric?

Certainly mine aren't.

I'm into all thing ecological. Recycling, cycling (except when the bastards cut me up on the pavement or road), vegan (occasionally, I'll eat a whole cow) and protecting our natural environment (not sure my trip to Antarctica fits that brief). No, I'll spend the last few remaining years I have on this blue, blue planet doing my best to wrap it up in a protective bio-degradable eco-wrap.

Which brings me to the subject of tonight's post. Electric cars, or more generally electricity. I mean do we know what it is? You plug in your iPhone or equivalent, turn on the dishwasher, switch on the telly and magically they all come alive because of this thing called electricity. Do you know what it is? Frankly it could be a deep virus planted by some alien race and next week they'll trigger it and "Zap" everything will grind to a halt. Maxwell's equations and Einstein's photo-electric effect will be shown to be mere mirages.

That's worrying: but not as worrying as my experience today. As I've said I'm mega ecological. I want to save the planet big time. If I see an unrecycled plastic bag I vomit. A car idling at the traffic lights makes me want to strangle the driver - I am big on cutting down exhaust fumes. So my big push is "ELECTRIC CARS" - that's right. These little gems will save the planet. Forget the petrol head lies that the electricity used to power e-cars has to be produced by coal guzzling, climate warming gas power stations. E-cars will save the planet.

Anyway, I'd booked a test drive in a Smart e-car. Well they were the closest at Loughton's Merc/ Smart car mega centre. I don't know about you but whenever I see a Merc I see either a Russian oligarch, drug dealer or some small minded punk trying to be big.Why do they look so ugly and intimidating (I'm talking about the cars)? I mean you're at a traffic light minding your own business when this huge interstellar vessel pulls up behind you - right on your tail - and behind the wheel is either Vlad the Impaler or that nice woman across the road at No 6. What's her back story? No Mercs are the to go car for nobodies. Because they're expensive and ugly doesn't mean they're cool. In many cases they're hot and not in a nice way.

I'd booked a test drive in a Smart EQ for 2 pm today. I was really excited as I heard so much about the e-car experience and it's the next thing. I should point out that Waltham Forest is not exactly e-car centric. There are a few charging points at the station but on Monday when I looked they were occupied by gas guzzlers. But I'm looking to the future - we're promised so much more in the future. Anyway, I was told by my dedicated e-smart salesman that there's a six months waiting list.

I decided that I'd go to the allotment first in my diesel Astra and see if there were any more ripe figs and pick some Swiss Chard and beetroot. God I am so eco it hurts.

I climbed into the car, turned the ignition key, the engine turned despairingly and stopped. The fucking battery was flat. I phoned Merc Loughton to explain why I couldn't have my e-car test drive - cause my car had run out of electricity. Ironic or what!

Nature didn't let me down. I walked to the allotment and cut some chard, pulled up some beetroot and picked a few figs. I await a call from Stuttgart.