We're being closed down...

From Tuesday 29th March you won't be able to enter the smart end of Milton Road.

The Milton Road/Hoe Street junction is being Hollandaised. At the moment Aubrey Road is getting the treatment. The hope is they'll be finished before they start on us: otherwise we'll all be marooned.

I am a covert Mini-Holland supporter (damn that's my cover blown). I say that because almost everyone I meet has nothing good to say about the scheme. Stop and talk to a neighbour about the possibilities of life on Titan or whether the P versus NP conjecture will ever be solved and in no time they're berating our delightful councillors for inflicting another European idea on the sacred sod of Britannia.

I keep mum, or enquire about Mrs Thomas's ingrowing toe nail and ask discreetly about the new brothel opening on Hoe Street.  Even that has no effect. Tales of near misses on the Copenhagen crossings abound, where neither pedestrian nor driver appears to know who has the right of way.

I try not to talk to cyclists. Even though I support Mini-Holland their broad smiles and halos over their heads when they get going about cycle rides with the whole family (and dog); stories of heroic weight loss after cycling non stop for 48 hrs and benefits in terms of improved pelvic thrust, just make me want to weep.

I have to say I do think Orford Road is so much better without traffic and parked cars. That's until you have to get from one side of the village to the other.

Lat week I was in the village and this bright red Vauxhall Corsa, as bold as brass, entered the no entry part of the road. I muttered something under my breath and continued buying my hand crafted sweet potato, ricotta and sage pie from Spar. Bless me, as I went out the shop there was that same car again - breaking the law and disturbing the peace. As I wondered up the road to In Vino Veritas to check out their little Portuguese number, blow me down, there was that Corsa again, but this time going down the road in the other direction. Did they ever get out?

A trip to the vet is a voyage of discovery. One has to be injected into a sub orbital trajectory to get from Milton Road to the surgery on Grove Road. Hitting the school run means one can kiss goodbye to most of the morning.

Finally, I have to say I do like the Copenhagen crossing at the bottom of Browns Road. Such is the slope on it that should we have snow or a heavy frost it will double up as the venue for the next series of "Jump" - with the same kill count.