THE STRANGE WORLD OF COFFIN JOE

I know, I've been away far too long.

I was ill.

Have you had a hacking cough you can't get rid of? I have for what seems like the whole of the autumn - about 5 weeks. I just coughed and coughed and coughed. From the rising of the sun and at its setting my lungs were in a constant state of agitation.

My whole life was phlegm and snot.

I'd wake up three or four times a night and try to empty my lungs. Whole sustainable forests have been untimely cut down to contain the ocean of vile mucus my lungs and sinuses disgorged. Talking on the phone was impossible: besides the hacking cough the headset would soon get drenched in slime and slip out of my hand. Typing was a chore as the keys became embedded in a crust of drying lung phlegm.

This is not putting you off?

Anyway after the long nights of terror I managed to see my doctor. He tapped my chest, gave me some anti-biotics. "If it's viral they won't touch it". They didn't and it was.

Now you may say I kicking up a lot of fuss about a silly little cough. In fact I'm sure that's what you're saying as you read this snotty blog, but.......

I'm on this medication which "compromises" my immune system. No, not in that way: it means my defences are lowered and bugs that get to me have an easy time making my life hell. So earlier this month I went to my 6 monthly appointment at the hospital to see how I was progressing on my medication.

I told the consultant that the medication was keeping my underlying complaint (don't ask) in check but I had this cough which had lasted ages. Frankly I thought I was going to be rushed off to intensive care given his reaction to that news. I knew that the drug messed around with my immune system: I didn't know or remembered that it could also affect the lungs. I was told to stop my medication forthwith.

I did, and nearly three weeks on I'm almost  a snot free zone. I still manage the  60 a day plus retch, but that's just for show. However, all that coughing has left me with the sorest ribs and chest muscles.

Anyway I'm getting my old mojo back and will for the first time in an age spend time on the allotment.

I've had my flu jab, and received an invite to the OAP's Christmas Lunch provided by the Council. The trouble was by the time I phoned up all the places were taken - and due to unprecedented demand the offer's been withdrawn. Hum...