Absolute Beginners

Did you watch "The Eurovision Song Contest"?  I did.

The UK's participation in this "contest" is embarrassing. It's embarrassing because even the Azerbaijanis speak  better English than we do. It's also embarrassing because for some reason we (the UK) insist on entering singers well into their dotage, singing songs that even Ken Dodd would have turned down.

It's embarrassing again because the bloody commentators on the Beeb are Irish. Terry Wogan is a lovely man as is what's his name who did it this year, but they're not even British. Isn't there anyone in the myriad of British compares, DJs or jokers who's up to comparing our TV transmission. Or maybe they value their reputations.

I swear there's something in the Treaty of Europe that forces us to be in Eurovision every year and to be humiliated. I bet if people knew that by leaving the EU we'd also not have to compete in that "song contest" the British people would vote overwhelmingly to say a fond Adieu to La Grande Experiment Europeane.

You've got to hand it to the French. They're not having any of that language across la Manche.  They sang in French and gave their points in the language of the Gauls. Even the Swiss tried that, but realised half way through that they didn't want to lose all those English unnumbered Swiss Bank accounts so reverted to English.

What is it about the French that makes them so insufferably "superiore". They've nothing to be superior about. What do they have - Johnny Hallyday and Sacha Distel - ha! We had the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, not to mention the Troggs. OK so they have Daft Punk, but they're an aberration, in what is an otherwise moribund music scene. The last French musician with any sense of style and rhythm was Berlioz with his Grand Masse des Morts. With something like that the Frenchies might have a chance and it wouldn't matter if no knew what was being sung.

Anyway, where are The Allisons when you want them (are you sure you want them?), and Pearl and Teddy, their singing set new standards in .. well they made Pearl and Dean look interesting.

In the grand old days when we had a proper Cold War and not as now a Cold War sung by proxy, we had a chance of getting somewhere near the top of the leader board. Who can forget Ronnie Carroll coming 4th in 1963 with "Say Wonderful Things", or Kenneth McKellor's   "A Man Without Love", reaching a manly 9th place in 1966. It's a shock to the system to realise that as he was singing that trash, the Beatles were singing "Eleanor Rigby" and Dylan went electric "Like A Rolling Stone".

I have nothing against Bonnie Tyler, our representative this year - I thought "Total Eclipse of the Heart"  was magic - but that was almost 30 years ago. It is a silent testament to the power of botox that her face remains unchanged over that period whilst her corset maker has had to re-open the last steel mill in the Valleys to produce suitable stays to contain her.

Well she didn't come last did she. That honour went to the Irish. Next year maybe they'll get Sinead O'Connor to represent the Emerald Isle. That should be a barrel load of  laughs!