Hallelujah, I'm A Bum

"Anal Bleaching". There I've said it.

It's not a phrase that simply popped into my head, I read it somewhere.  In "The Guardian"or  "The Independent" but most definitely not the "Mail on Sunday". Once having seen the phrase I just couldn't get it out of my mind.

It's fairly self explanatory. One's anus is bleached, one's bum hole whitened. Rather like having your teeth whitened: not such a clever comparison. Think of it as a black hole with an accretion ring and a relativistic packet of Vim to buff it up all white and shiny.

You can read all about it on the web. BleachBum is one such site that will introduce you to the delights of turning yourself into a snow white arsehole. To quote the website "Anal bleaching is one more way holly wood celebrities try to stay younger. While rectal bleaching isn't for everyone, some people are interested in maintaining a youthful look...everywhere."

The site is extremely helpful for those wishing to stay younger - bum wise. I was particularly taken by the maintenance section to ensure you keep your bleached backside looking young.

Call me an old fuddy duddy if you will. Say I lack imagination. Point out that my formative years were not surrounded by soft toilet paper and my outlook on life has been warped and roughened by reams of Izal's medicated loo paper; but I just don't get the point.

I really can get no further than Why? Why would you want that part of one's anatomy where the sun don't shine whitened? I suppose if you're a perfectionist , having spent the bank on changing your own physical appearance, removing each and every God given blemish, to know that there might be somewhere on your body untouched cosmetically might irritate (not as much as your bum hole if you get the concentration wrong!). But really, who the hell is going to see !

OK, there is a call for this service in the adult movie industry (You're an adult daddy, is that why you watch those films?), and it's widely practised in the male gay scene, but surely not down Acacia Drive, Chingford? But apparently I'm mistaken. Slip into your local tanning boutique and as well as having your tan topped up you can have your arse lightened. Which when you come to think of it is quite funny.

It is a fascinating subject, one of those dark corners of human experience which would benefit from a strong light being shone on it.

Merde!