Fast Car

 In the spirit of "communautaire", what with the Greek car boot sale and all, I thought you might like to learn of the Coidan household's contribution to George Osborne's debt reduction strategy.

Like the Coalition Government, we're stripping out waste, cutting to the bone and introducing radical efficiency savings.


Mousing targets for the cats have been radically revised upwards; fat ball rations for the sparrows and tits (great and small) have been severely curtailed, along with the introduction of rigorous entry requirements for non resident and/or alien wild-life.

Christmas gift boxes ( working class bank bonuses) for the postman and dustman will cease, as will inflation proofing Christmas presents. Gifts to be limited to Wall Street Crash cash values.

The pain is to shared, 'cause we're all in it together. 'Er in door and yours truly have embraced austerity to our bosoms and with a will are seeking ways of pissing off the local businesses by buying even less than we did before.

By way of illustration, I thought you'd be interested in some of the components of the Coidan's deep cut "No Stock and Poor" strategy :

• No bottled water: a trip to the tap is now de rigueur - bubbles are for wussies:
• No de-ionised perfumed ironing water - I know, but I loved the sense of luxury:
• No perfumed fabric softener sheets for the tumble drier - it's all a load of hot air anyway:
• No fabric softener in the washing machine: What the hell is washing powder for:
• Severely restricted use of the tumble drier - body heat quickly dries out clothes:
• One lump of coal per person  - cats wrapped around one's neck provide enough warmth:
• Never, ever fill the car up with petrol. £20 max. It just doesn't make sense driving around with 80 quid in the boot:
• Always buy the smallest packet of anything. It usually works out cheaper:
• Shop with a basket not a trolley. It's amazing what you don't need when it's heavy; and finally,
• Deliberately misread "Save" as "Spend" in any ad, flyer or shop display.  

The wife and I have had discussions, late into the night, in an attempt to form "A Household of Domestic Unity" ahead of our debt rescheduling negotiations with the butcher, baker and candlestick maker. However, talks have stalled following the missus' demand that I should step down as the head of the household.


The local Chinese take-away has refused to have anything to do with us.