Hot Poop

 My, how time flies when you're getting older.

An extremely official looking letter plopped through our letterbox this morning. It was white, large and had the "NHS" logo in the top left hand corner. I knew it wasn't from my local practice; they now send letters which use a "fun" typeface - their way of softening the news that you're terminally ill.

It was an invitation to take part in the NHS Bowel Cancer Screening Programme. It's offered to all us crumblies  aged between 60 and 69. I was invited to the last NHS Bowel Party 2 years ago, yet it seems only yesterday.

The bowel is not something one spends much time contemplating except, I suppose, when nature's movements  stutter or stop and that ancient bottle of laxative resurfaces from the bowels of the bathroom cupboard. Except....language is littered with bowels.

The Bible seems to be pretty knowledgeable about the bowels and its afflictions.

“My bowels boiled, and rested not: the days of affliction prevented me.” We've all been there,


“And after all this the LORD smote him in his bowels with an incurable disease.” Rather drastic approach, don't you think. Normally the LORD would have smote him dead there and then and be done with it. 


“Wherefore my bowels shall sound like an harp for Moab, and mine inward parts for Kirharesh.” I don't think the Israelites got on too well with the Moabites.


And finally from the Bible:


“I have put off my coat; how shall I put it on? I have washed my feet; how shall I defile them? / My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.” I have absolutely no idea what this means. 


I rather liked this quote from Calvin:


“I consider looseness with words no less of a defect than looseness of the bowels”

But the final word has to go to Oprah: “I have a special pair of poop shoes under my desk. Whenever I need to drop a deuce, I slip them on and scurry to the restroom, and no one ever knows it's me. Like, if I'm wearing Louboutins that day, and my producer sees Earth shoes in the stall....well, you get the idea. It was truly a lightbulb moment when that came to me.”

That's why she's a icon. What a woman!

I await my poo test kit.