Green Onions

Now that my boots are full of water, my hair plastered over my face and the allotment, once mimicking the Gobi desert on a hot summer's afternoon, is now in full spate, rivers of mud cascading into lakes where once sand dunes stood, I am planning my future gardening adventures. 

So I welcomed an e-mail from a garden supplier, heralding "What's new for Summer". I'll skip the obvious. It's raining, unceasingly, and we're only 5 days away from mid summer's day. Anyway, always the optimist (see last post on how to survive death intact, and smiling), I clicked through to "Food Preparation", having misread "Food" for "Flood". I was enthralled. Now I could purchase the tools that would transform my meagre offerings  into food fit for the gods - hopefully not Greek Gods ( see earlier post on Ilium - the beginnings of a financial Greek Tragedy).

Except I don't think this on line gardener's friend had thought things through. The opening blurb talks about reaping the benefits of your own grown veggie and fruit ...."it’s now the time to start enjoying the fruits of your labour, literally! Eating your home grown fruit and vegetables makes all the effort worthwhile.." Except the first product on display is the good old OXO Good Grips® Poultry Shears.

I may be mistaken here but none of my "own grown veggie and fruit" clucks. Or for that matter lays eggs.

Not dispirited by the company's lack of awareness of "Animal, Vegetable or Mineral" I read on.

It must be me. My cherry this year have not been popped. In fact I haven't had a single one - because the figgin' birds are a darn sight cleverer than I and get them before I know they're ripe. So the OXO  Good Grips® Olive/Cherry Pitter  strikes me - possibly unfairly - as the most useless kitchen utensil ever. Think about it. If  you, for one second, consider buying one  you don't have an allotment. A large estate in Piedmont, with a gardener, possibly , but not an allotment in Walthamstow. 

But with the forecast being pretty soggy for the next few weeks  I needed to fill my allotment free days.

I found it in the Vacu Vin Instant Marinate.I don't know about you but I find marinating a pain in the arse. This is the solution to all your problems. No longer do you have to wait a week for the meat or veg to absorb the flavours, Vacu Vin you force feed the food! I quote  "It works by creating a vacuum which opens up the pores and fibres of the meat allowing for a deep and instant marinade!"

If that reminds you of an enlargement tool - that's your mind.

On my allotment I grow masses of herbs. Not to eat - they usually go to seed before I cut them. However, if I were so inclined I'd purchase the Stainless Steel Herb Mill. What more could I ask for? I'll let the copy speak for itself: "Take adding the finishing touches to meals with fresh, home-grown herbs to a new dimension ... - the deluxe, rotary action, polished stainless steel blades allow you to mill and chop herbs and garnish dishes literally seconds before serving!" Fascinating.

Finally, as if you weren't satiated, there's the Lolly Maker Set. This is something we all should have.Don't you just want to  treat yourself to "a home-made ice lolly, thanks to our clever eight mould Lolly Maker Set - we've even got spare packs of Wooden Lolly Sticks available for further settings! Keep a batch of frozen treats stored in the freezer - all you need to do is choose what to fill them with". Suggestions - preferably anonymously to ...

And an opportunity to...."Re-live those childhood visits to the fair or treat the kids of today with help from our Toffee Apple Sticks, old style square sticks used to support old style sweet and sticky toffee apples. Supplied in packets of 30 - enough to make a dentist quiver - and measuring 14cm in length, the sticks can be used to make toffee pears or any similar garden delicacy. Hold onto the packaging too; you'll find a recipe for old fashioned toffee apples on the back of every packet. All we need now is some candy floss!"

Just the thing for the wealthy diabetic you want to  bump off.

I love the Internet.