For Your Eyes Only

Today we received an e-mail from Mr Buru Onya working with the African Development Bank (ADB) in  Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso. This Christian man - much of his e-mail explained how he prayed for us - is prepared to give the missus and I 40% of a huge $40 billion cache hidden unbeknown to his country's authorities.

The obvious question is why he chose us. Wouldn't it be better to go thro' the Swiss banking system who seem to have had years of experience transferring monies from corrupt African and other nations' tyrants and dictators to safe, secure and completely private bank accounts?

Apparently Mr Onya found us on the web - how unusual is that. He sought guidance from the Lord and the big hand and figure pointed to us. We were the chosen ones! How blessed is that!!!

Note: must renew my Scientology subscription. Does John  T. have my e-mail address?

All we have to do is e-mail Mr Onya. None of this "send me your bank details" scam. He sounds kosher, right?

But then I thought  - 40% of $40 billion is a lot of money. Frankly I have difficulty spending my pension - my wife doesn't - and I started thinking. $10 billion could buy a lot of wine; one or two over inflated footballers or Jeremy Clarkson's latest Merc.

But I was being stupid. Today, George Osborne has had to slip in a new tax increase on the banks and they're spitting blood. Over a meagre £800 million! He's obviously desperate and it doesn't help upsetting the banks, otherwise they'll pack up their toys and leave the nursery. So I've e-mailed the Treasury offering my share of the Burkina Faso windfall.

I understand that Treasury officials have now provided Mr Onya with their Bank of England account details.

George has promised me that he won't now cut social services, or drive those on housing benefit onto the streets, or ensure that if you're jobless you'll remain so.

I think I'm onto something here. It's not worth bothering with the Mr Onyas of this world. We've got to go for the big fish. I've suggested that George invite President Mubarak to transfer  his wealth here, before the poor of Egypt get their mucky hands on any of it.

We could do with it. Recapitalising the Premier League for starters.