Goodbye Norma Jean

I was going to extemporise on the sheer inefficiencies of the mobile phone industry after spending more than an hour trying to find out why, having cancelled my e-mail (push) facility more than 2 months ago, I've suddenly started to receive e-mails today.

I would have described in graphic detail my attempts to discover a contact point for Orange - other than a web page that smilingly pointed to nowhere other than to a web page which offered a multitude of questions and answers - none of which addressed my basic concern.

I could have told you about the lovely lady I finally discovered at the end of the phone, after going through a Minoan labyrinth, who after 10 mins couldn't answer my query but found someone who could.

Let me go on to describe my delightful conversation with a lovely Lancasterian gal who explained why she couldn't immediately help me because of a software upgrade which had shrunk her screen to nothing so she couldn't view my details.

She was  stunning. We spent 20 minutes talking about wine, while her technical guru went off to get an actual phone like mine  'cause her computer had hung. It took ten minutes before they found a phone and 20 seconds to sort me out.

This is deeply worrying. All of a sudden my phone starts receiving e-mails. I have no e- mail account with Orange, but  I did sign up for their push e-mail facility a while ago. And then I got so pissed off being beep'd with crap e-mails that I cancelled the subscription. Blissful silence for a couple of months and then today I start receiving the bastards.

It shows what a wally I am because for a while I looked at the e-mail messages on my phone and thought what fun. Except I don't want and ain't paying for e-mails!!!!

Instead I want to talk about the death of a good (some might question that) Jewish boy, Tony Curtis.

He is my hero because of just one line: "That's why we named the oil company after it".

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I cannot think about "Some Like It Hot" without smiling. It is the most perfect comedy. Cross dressing, confused passions and true love and Marilyn. Just watching that  film makes so much seem worthy.

So he was in the "Persuaders" with Roger Moore, he played in more bad films than good and "The Boston Strangler" was so left field that  it made no sense, except to Mr Curtis.

And that wig! But when he started recounting his life - he could have worn a cockatoo on his head he's was that  interesting.He made life, because of what he was.

Thank you Bernie Schwartz : your mother would be so proud of you.